Two men crashed in their private plane on a deserted South Pacific Island. Both survived. One of the men brushed himself off and then proceeded to run over the island to see whether thy had any chance of survival. When he returned, he rushed over to the other man screaming. "This island is uninhabited--there is no food, no water- we are going to die!!"
The other man leaned back against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms and answered, "No, we're not--I make over $250,000 a week."
Mystified, the first man, taken aback with this response, repeated slowly, and loudly, "for the last time, I'm telling you WE..ARE..DOOMED! THERE ...IS.. NO..WATER..NO...FOOD.....REPEAT, WE..ARE...GOING...TO...DIE...A ..SLOW..DEATH!""
Still unfazed,the other man looked at the first man in the eyes and said. "Do not make me say this again. I MAKE OVER $250,000 DOLLARS A WEEK, AND I THITHE. My Pastor WILL find us!! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>



A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again!
As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~



Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~



A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered "Call for backup."



Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.



Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, " Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute".
=================================================
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." =========================================================
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, Dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!" ===================================================

Who Makes The Coffee? . . . . Did you know that it's a sin for a woman to make the coffee? . . . . .. . . Yup, it's in the Bible. It says..... (are you ready) . . . . .. . "Hebrews!"

* * * * * * * * * * *


1. Kids say............ After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

2. A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

3. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked,"No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

4. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

5. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

6. A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

7.Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark,"What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied,"Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"

8. When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin,we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered,"It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool." That's interesting," she said,"How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied, "I think it's printed on the bottom."

12. Out of the mouths of Babes! Enjoy! Peggy - A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

13. A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

14.After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

15. A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

16. A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. " How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

17. A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

18. After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys!"

19. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot."

20. The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

21. A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

22. Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked.

23. A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

24. There is the story of a parson who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

25. A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

26. A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

27. People want the front of the bus; back of the church and center of attention.

28. Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce 10 commandments.

29. "Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world - there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

30. A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

31. A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean? B - BASIC I - INSTRUCTIONS B - BEFORE L - LEAVING E - EARTH

32. One Sunday after church Mom asked very young daughter what the lesson was about. Daughter answered "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts". Needless to say, Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming". Now it made sense.

33. There was this gracious lady mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady .......

34.FROM REAL CHURCH BULLETINS:

a. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

c. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

e. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

f. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

g. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

h. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

i. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

j. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.

k. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

m. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

n. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

o. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

p. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

q. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

r. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

s. Our next song is "Angles We Have Heard Get High."

t. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

u. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

v. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

x. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

y. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

35. Kids say:

a. Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Ginny

b. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy.

c. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce

d. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet

e. Dear God, If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton - because I hate her. Denise

f. Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (I am not going to tell you who I am).

g. Dear God, I read the Bible. What does begat mean?

36. The Atheist And Hell

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago." Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

37. The Atheist And The Loch Ness Monster
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

38. The Atheist And The Bear
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him: reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!" Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and, even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," the voice said. The light went out. The river ran again. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped its right paw, brought both paws together, bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.

39. Kids:

a. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! Eugene

b.Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma

c. Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now? Jane
d.Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan

e. Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? Nan

f. Dear God, Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce

g. Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)

h. Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce

i. Dear God, If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her. Denise

j. Dear God, I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. Steven

k. Dear God, I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying. Elliott

l. Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it. Nan

m. Dear God, Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best. Rob

n. Dear God, My brothers told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right. They are just kidding, aren't they? Marsha
o. Dear God, If you watch me in church Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes. Mickey

p. Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. Sincerely, Donna

q. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already. Charles

r. Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.

40. QUOTES FOR THE NEW YEAR

a. A clean conscience makes a soft pillow.

b. A family altar can alter a family.

c. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.

d. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come on into Church for a faith lift!

e. Be ye fishers of men. You catch them and He will clean them.

f. Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

g. Do your best and then sleep in peace. God is Awake.

h. Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

i. Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

j. Exercise daily. Walk with the Lord!

k. Fear knocked. Faith answered. No one was there.

l. For all you do, His blood's for you!

m. Forbidden fruits create many jams.

n. Give God what's right, not what's left!

o. Give Satan an inch and he'll be a ruler.

p. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

q. God doesn't want shares of your life; He wants controlling interest!

r. God grades on the cross, not the curve.

s. God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts"!

t. God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

u. Having truth decay? Brush up on your Bible!

v. He who angers you, controls you!

w. He who is good at making excuses is seldom good for anything else.

x. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone!

y. If God is your Co-pilot - Swap seats!

z. In the sentence of life the Devil may be a comma, but DO NOT let him be the PERIOD!

aa. Kindness is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.

bb. Man's way leads to a hopeless end! God's way leads to an endless hope!

cc. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity.

dd. Never give the devil a ride! He will always want to drive!

ee. Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.

ff. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

gg. "Pray" is a four letter word that you can say anywhere (except in a public school).

hh. Prayer - Don't give God instructions - just report for duty!

ii. Read The Bible... It Will Scare The Hell Out Of You!

jj. The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

kk. The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

ll. This Church is "Prayer Conditioned"!

mm. To be almost saved is to be totally lost.

nn. Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!

oo. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning!
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pp. Watch your step carefully! Everyone else does!

qq. We don't change the message, the message changes us.

rr. We set the sail; God makes the wind.

ss. We're too blessed to be depressed.

tt. When God ordains, He sustains.

uu. Wisdom has two parts:

;1) Having a lot to say.
2) Not saying it.

vv. Worry is the darkroom in which "negatives" are developed.

ww. You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

BUMPER STICKERS:

Are you wrinkled with burden? Come on into Church for a faith lift!